An Unconventional Honor

Mother's Day is a holiday that most people look forward to each May. It has been touted as a day to commemorate the sacrifices, commitment, and dedication mothers have sown into the lives of their children since the moment of conception. An aura of nobility and respect is the precursor to this age old celebration; and with it brings a distinct anticipation of obligated glory.

 Less Than Ideal
However, what is a child to do when their mother is not a deserving recipient of such honor and adoration? What about the men who were not allowed to be "sons" because their single mothers placed them in the awkward position of being their caregivers, support systems, and substitute-husbands (in support only, nothing gross)? Why should these men celebrate the woman they call Mom? And what about the little girls who grew up under the constant judgement and criticism of a mother who only saw a reflection of her own shortcomings and inadequacies in the reflection of her daughter's eyes. How can these women show up emotionally with integrity, to pay homage to the mother who shaped them into the broken images they are today? These scenarios are not found in the greeting card aisle. There are no plaques that read " Thanks for Being a Crappy Mom, But I Love You Anyways." There are no balloons that announce, " You Screwed Up My Life, But I'm Over It."

Why Bring It Up?
I broach this subject for a specific reason; not because I had a crappy mother ( I didn't); not because I hate Mother's Day (I don't); not even because I'm trying to deliver a cryptic message to someone in particular ( I'm not). I bring up this topic for one simple reason; I simply want to know why the kids of "troubled" mothers should celebrate Mother's Day.

 

Adult Children
After many discussions with friends and strangers, alike, I have come to the conclusion that most adult children have some form of issue with their upbringing. Interesting enough, these issues always seem to peak around the 2nd Sunday of each May. According to the adults I've spoken to, the pressure to perform or capitulate to the notions or ideals spelled out in a Mother's Day greeting card can be overwhelmingly obnoxious and insulting; leaving the child with feelings of shallowness and resentment towards their mothers.

The Best I Can Do
 I will be the first to admit that my upbringing was no "bed of roses" and my relationship with my mother has had some rough patches at times. However, as I grew in maturity with my own children, I realized what it meant to be a great mom who has the esteem and admiration of my children. In addition, I also realized how impossible it is to be a "perfect" mom. The only thing I can do is my very, very best. And guess what? That level of effort is able to communicate to my children just how committed I am to them. Coming into the knowledge that I can only do my very best has allowed me to come to grips with my upbringing and forgive my mother for her own shortcomings a little more because, in her eyes, she was only doing the best she could with the knowledge she had.

Moving On
 In my opinion, each individual deserves an excellent quality of life, especially in the realm of emotions and relationships. With this said, how should  kids of "flawed mothers" commemorate Mother's Day? I think the following suggestions are great reasons to celebrate this holiday in however way  you see fit as well as   start the relationship anew, if possible:

• Acknowledge the one thing Mom did right. Though she may have had the choice to abort your, she decided to bring you into this world instead of erasing you as a "mistake". Without her commitment to give birth to you, there would be no you. She deserves appreciation for choosing to give you life.

• Though your relationship with your mother is not perfect, or maybe not even ideal, find 3 good things she did that contributed to the awesome person you are today. For example, her simple saying of , "Always put on nice, clean underwear before you leave the house because you never know if you're gonna be in an accident" could have had such an impact on your life that you adopted the habit of only wearing nice underwear. Though this may be considered a small contribution, it has helped you to become the person you are now. I am of the opinion that people who positively contributed to my life deserves a thank you.

• If you are a parent, decide what type of parent you want to be or not be by using the example of your own mother. I believe it is okay to look at people in our lives as cautionary tales and examples of what not to be . In this instance, you can honestly say your mother has taught you how to be a better parent. That's something that should be celebrated.

• If it is within your power, and it almost always is, forgive. In my opinion, releasing those who we believe has caused us damage or hurt is one of the most powerful things  we can do. The offending party no longer holds the keys to our own peace of mind. This does not mean we will forget the things that caused hurt. It simply means we are now in control of the quality of life we choose to have.

In short, Mother's Day is a joyous day of fond childhood memories and love for most people. In spite of the fact that some of us may not have a lot of fond childhood memories to fall back on, it can still be full of joy and love. Joy because we survived and made it through; and love because we were allowed to live to have a hope and a future. To that I say, thank you Mom.

Photo credit: http://flic.kr/p/3ajoov